I am sorry

Today, I need to apologize.

I have grown up in a wonderful home, with two incredible parents who love Jesus, and me, with the entirety of their hearts. Jesus has never seemed strange to me. He has been the topic of more conversations then I can remember at my home growing up. I went to Christian private school as a kid, and learned Bible verses once a week that I ever so perfectly recited to my teachers. As I grew older, I went to youth group, led the worship team, and said all the appropriate answers in small groups.

Fine, I’ll admit it: I was a goodie-goodie.

But today, I need to apologize to you. I need to apologize to anyone whom I have ever spoken to. Anyone who I have ever been friends with. Anyone whom I have ever been unkind to, and I know there are quite a few in this category.

Though I have grown up in a wonderful home, surrounded by people who love and adore Jesus, I have never been like Jesus.

And though I told God I was ready to truly follow Him almost nine years ago, I didn’t truly surrender myself to Him until this year.

You see, for so long I believed that I had to be perfect to be like Jesus. I had to be the girl who had it all together, who knew all the answers. The girl who grew up in the perfect Christian home, with two perfect Christian siblings, and two perfect Christian parents who were and are amazing examples to the people around them.

It turns out that girl is so terribly annoying.

After I grew very tired of trying to be perfect, I tried to be real with Jesus. But I had put on an act for what seemed like such a long time, that I wasn’t quite sure how to just be myself with Him. I was worried that though Jesus may love me, He might not like me. The art of attempting perfection wasn’t working, but the thought of being my lame self was too terrifying to try. So I began to push Him out of my life. I filled my life with a million other things. I tried to get my life to be as busy as humanly possible, so I wouldn’t have to face Jesus. It’s a funny thing - filling up a Jesus-shaped hole with things that are no where near as beautiful or fulfilling as Jesus.

And then, this past year happened. The year of what felt like to me: nothingness. The year I finally allowed my Lord and Saviour to truly take up residence in my heart. I “took the year off”, a phrase in which I have grown to hate since the majority of people assume you are taking a year long vacation. It was my year of sacred solidarity. I came to a screeching halt because I realized I had no idea where my life was going. A lightbulb of recognition flickered on inside of me and I knew my life could go nowhere without Jesus.

I finally realized: perfection is not how people see Jesus. An act of “being good, being right, being righteous” is not how people see Jesus. In fact, I think most people took one look at me and ran away. And hiding is not how people see Jesus, either. Hiding is simply a gesture of cowardice.

People see Jesus through indescribable love, all-powerful peace, and never ending grace.

I didn’t have true love or make true peace or offer true grace to anyone. I just acted the part. And no one can ever see Jesus through a fake, in genuine performance.

So I need to apologize to you. I am so sorry that I did not show you Jesus. What you saw in me was not Jesus. It was just selfish me. Jesus is so much better then that. He is the definition of Love, the authentic Peacemaker, and the perfect illustration of absolute Grace.

This year I fell undeniably in love with Jesus. Most days I still don’t show love, peace or grace to anyone, but I’m working on it. And I’m not perfect and I never will be. But now I’m not striving towards perfection. I’m striving towards being like Jesus. And it turns out, He loves me and He likes me. And He loves and likes you, too. He actually likes you quite a lot.

Now I’m holding Jesus’ hand instead of locking him out of the doors of my heart. Let me tell you... it’s so much better when you don’t have to figure out life on your own.

“Real, true religion from God the Father’s perspective is about caring for the orphans and widows who suffer needlessly and resisting the evil influence of the world.” - James 1:27

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trivial success

What determines a person being a success? Wealth? A fancy degree? A steady job?To me, this is the world’s formula: university + marriage + a good job + kids = success. That’s what society has fed me my entire life. The world is spewing out kids with degrees in their hands, and a load of debt in their bank accounts - kids who end up switching majors and jobs because they don’t really know what their purpose truly is, or if they actually want to pursue what they thought they wanted to pursue the year before. It is not fair that the world tells us that our only means of success is that formula. We are meant for so much more then what this world offers us. Success is subjective. It’s an idea made entirely from humans, since I know the God of the universe does not measure us based on our accomplishments. I have “taken this year off” (a phrase in which I have grown to hate since the majority of people assume you are taking a year long vacation), and I am not currently planning to attend a school this upcoming fall. The world tends to give kids a one year grace period. They can understand that not all high school students know exactly what they want to do after they graduate. But not having plans to attend a school after you’ve taken a year off? Gasp! Well that’s horrific. Automatically it is assumed you have no life, no future, and no way of ever, ever being successful. Well, I have decided to take a stand against this worlds view on success. I’m not saying I’m never going to school. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. If I don’t, I don’t think that’s the end of the world - or the end of my chance of succeeding. This year there have been many times where I have sat on my bed and felt worthless. My oh my, that is so wrong. My success does not determine my worth. My education does not determine my value. What I do does not determine who I am. I am meant for so much more then what this world can offer me…thankfully there’s Jesus. And he offers me everything..

be slow to anger and rich in love

…just a quick note on this post. I was misinformed on the child that was killed. Unfortunately, that was a heartless hoax, and the child was not running in the race, as children are not allowed. However, there was an eight year old boy killed in the sidelines waiting for his father to cross the finish line. I am so quick to judge. I am so quick to write off this world, and to write off the people that populate it. Yesterday’s tragedy made me sad, and angry, and frankly, furious. I was enraged at the fact that someone (or someones) would go out of their way to hurt innocent people. I was shocked as I watched the news and saw the bombs go off, but I was absolutely seething when I found out a faultless little eight year old child was killed…a baby who was running in the marathon in honour of the Sandy Hook kids. It disgusted me. I walked around yesterday, really mad at the world. Really, really mad. I asked Jesus, “Why do we live in such a broken world? How come there are stupid, cruel people in this world who would do something like that?” Jesus reminded me that He loves those people, too. He also reminded me that this world isn’t just full of broken people… and that some people are good. I am in the midst of raising money to go to Rwanda. Last night, I was emailing a few of my friends, and asking them for spiritual and financial support for this upcoming trip. To be honest, I didn’t really expect anything. Well Jesus showed me last night how there are really GOOD people in this world. One girl told me she didn’t have anything to give me. But, she could sing. (And boy, oh boy, can this girl sing!!) She decided that she was going to busk for me. She told me she wanted to help me, and she decided to use her beautiful voice as a vessel to help me get to Rwanda. Now, I ask you, is that the quality of a cruel, broken girl? No. Probably 10 minutes later, I received another email. It was a girl from my old high school, and this is what she sent me:

     “I know this is going to sound crazy but I went to the bookstore at my school today to get a school hoodie…looked a the price tag, decided against it. I was thinking, that money could go to something much more valuable than that! So I want to give you the money I was going to spend on that sweater.”

I started to cry when I saw that message. It was as if Jesus was sitting beside me on my couch saying, “See Aliza? Yes, this world is broken. Yes, this world is hurting. But not every person you see is cold and cruel.”

I am a huge work in progress. I am working on not judging, or making assumptions or writing people off. I am working on being slow to anger, and rich, rich, rich in love..