simply endure

It’s just over three weeks before I depart for Rwanda, and this morning I feel sick with anxiety. I’m not really an anxious or worrisome person. I love spontaneity, going with the flow, and having adventures. I don’t like staying at home, and I get energized being around people. I like being honest, but I don’t like being weak.Well, today I’m feeling weak. I’m feeling like I can’t do this. I feel like I’m literally going to be sick to my stomach. Today I am nervous - so nervous - to step on a plane by myself and head to Amsterdam, then to Rwanda. Today I am nervous - so nervous - to spend two months in a country entirely foreign to me. Today I am nervous - so nervous - to leave my precious family behind. I love my family. And I’d love to pack them up and take them with me. I know God wants me to go to Rwanda. He has made that abundantly clear to me. But today, I don’t want to go. Please don’t take this literally - I do want to go. But I’m nervous. And I am scared. I’ve never wanted to do something more in my life, and I’ve never wanted to run away from something as much as I do right now. Perhaps this is God’s way of stretching me. I’ve heard his calling sometimes isn’t comfortable. And I’m not even IN Africa yet! This morning I was reading my Bible, reading Hebrews, and this verse jumped out at me: “Simply endure, for when you have done as God requires of you, you will receive the promise.” (Hebrews 10:36) My stomach twisted, a sigh escaped my lips, and I looked up at God and said, “Okay.” It’s funny, because our youth group was just at a conference with the theme being “Endure”. I didn’t think much of it, because I haven’t had to endure through anything before. Until this Friday morning moment. Simply endure, for when you have done as God requires of you, you will receive the promise.  I’m doing what God requires of me. Check. I’m going to attempt to simply endure by forcing my body onto the plane. Half-check. I will receive the promise. I wonder what promise that is. A promise of safety, security, of having a friend, of having a companion? I’m so selfish and stupid. I think I have to do this trip all on my own when my Friend, Redeemer, and Father will be with me every step of the way. It’s time my friends. Time for me to start to simply endure..