Welcome to my first blog series. A terrifying thing, it is. This is day one of 31 Days of Choosing Enough. You and I are enough -- just as we are -- except the thing is, most days I just don't believe that.
If you'd like, you can find all of the posts in this series right here.
Let me tell you a not-so-secret secret: I am the very best worst decision maker in the world. Or at least in Canada. Maybe Ontario. Okay Dundas. Moving on.
I am particularly awful when it comes to choosing an ice cream flavour. It honestly feels impossible to me. (Other than tiger stripe. Now that I can easily pass on.) I walk up to the counter and stare into the vast and limitless board of delectable options. I wonder: IS THIS REALLY FAIR? The ice cream scooper kid seems to think so. He asks me if I'm ready approximately four and a half times. And just who does he think he is?
Finally -- noticing everyone who I've come with crunching the last bits of their cones -- I make a choice. Usually it's a different flavour than one I've tried before. I'm basically vowing to try every kind of ice cream in the world at least once. I know, I know, my goals are real deep.
And yes, to answer the question I know is swimming around your pretty head, I actually do realize choosing an ice cream flavour is not a life altering decision. (Somedays I might disagree, but that's for another time.)
If you were to sit me down over an iced coffee and ask me to consider my greatest struggle, without a doubt I would answer, "I am not enough."
Not enough? You might ask. For what?
"Not enough in any capacity." I would reply.
And if I were to continue to answer honestly, this is what I would say.
"I'm not pretty enough, like my mom and sister. I'm not smart enough, not like my dad and brother. I'm not as musical as my brother-in-law, or as good of a writer as Emily Freeman or Jeannette Walls or Lisa Sampson or John Green. I'm not funny like Annie or Shannan. And let me tell you, I only wish my lettering could look like Lindsay's."
I find myself stopping there, all of sudden painfully aware that I may have just totally freaked you out with my fat dose of honesty.
And maybe you would be freaked out and want to run away, wishing you'd never asked me.
Or maybe -- just maybe -- you felt yourself nodding your head, recognizing those resurfacing feelings of not enough. And if that was you, then maybe you want to come along with me these next 30 days. Each day this October I'll be here thinking about this idea of choosing enough. I'm not entirely sure I know what that looks like, but perhaps we can figure that out together.
I'm a bad decision maker, it's true. But this isn't like the ice cream shop. This time there are only two choices. The choice to wallow in all my unenoughness, or the choice to choose enough, just as I am.
Today, I'll choose enough.
I may have to remind myself before the day is over, or every hour, or possibly every fifteen minutes.
But today, I will choose enough.
Which one are you going to choose?
This is day one. You can find the rest of this series right here.
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