You feel things stunningly deep.
It's a wonder your heart hasn't concaved right in, heavy and sunken from all of the things you feel. Somedays the feelings are so good -- gorgeous and vibrant, and the world seems bold and huge, but also as though it's at the tips of your fingers. You think: how can anything ever be better? how can anything ever be more beautiful than what's in front of me?
Your hand on your sister's stomach, the fluttery feeling of your unborn nephew dancing inside of her; your table at Thanksgiving dinner, looking around at all the people you love most in the world; the sunrise breaking through the window, evidence of hope and Jesus -- an unrelenting love that keeps on showing up each day.
All of these unbelievable feelings shoot down so deep within you. It's surreal.
The bad feelings are there, too, of course. Life isn't always tiny babies and Thanksgiving dinners and sunrises that shatter the glass. There are days where you wake up and feel so sad and you aren't sure why. Or you do know, sort of, but you think: I shouldn't be feeling so sad about this. I should be getting dressed and getting over it. So then you're angry at yourself for feeling sad, and now not only are you sad, you're angry too. And ashamed.
How is it possible for one girl to feel this broad an array of feelings?
So you start to realize that feeling deeply isn't a curse or a burden, but instead perhaps, a gift. You begin to lean into your good days, to breathe in the yellow sun with the watercolour streaks, to memorize the weight of the baby's kick against your open palm -- eagerly awaiting his arrival come winter.
And on your bad days? You lean into something too -- your Jesus who wraps himself around you when you cry, and you open up your clenched fist and you let go, and let go, and let go. Or you try. You're progressing. That's a fine thing, too.
You feel things stunningly deep. You know this, and now, you're attempting to embrace it. Part of that embracing is recognizing this: acknowledging your feelings is brave.
To you who feel -- you're brave. Even when said feelings threaten to flood you like a tsunami. And not believing those feelings all of the time is brave, too.