I will tell you what I am afraid of.
I'm afraid of going to Peru. I've figured out a few of the reasons, but I haven't figured out the others. I often place expectations on things, and I always become scared my expectations won't be met. They rarely are. It's a continual process of learning not to be disappointed, and instead to trust that God has better things in store for me.
I'm afraid of failing. I'm so tired of writing everyday. But I'm scared if I stop, I'll fail. I'll fail you, I'll fail me. Press on, I tell myself. But I'm so tired, I hear myself say.
I'm afraid of not having my dreams fulfilled. Dreaming is so easy -- I can think up a thousand different dreams and scenarios in my head instantaneously. But it's the fulfillment of the dream which feels harder.
I'm afraid that I'm not good enough. In my head, I go back to last October. This is a battle I have fought for my entire life, and it's something I continue to choose every day: that I'm adequate and enough just as I am. Some days it's much harder to believe than others.
When I begin to feel afraid, these are some of the honest things I do:
- sit on my bed and panic
- feel guilty for feeling afraid
- pray
- practice yoga
- pray while practicing yoga
- read with his love, he will calm all of your fears over and over and over again
- call my best friend Sarah
- write
- write some more
It generally happens in this order, too. None of these things are perfect, and when I finish them I don't often feel no fear. But I normally feel less fear.
So I'll choose brave in spite of these fears, and sometimes choosing brave looks like doing the next right thing. So I'll get onto the plane on Wednesday, and I'll keep on writing both for you and for me, and I'll dream a thousand more dreams, but I'll work hard on them, too, and I'll tell myself I'm enough. Over and over, I'll tell myself I'm enough.
My fear may not disappear, but I'll choose brave, anyway.
