31 days of choosing en...

day twenty-one: I'll try and stop running away now

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I'm an escape artist. And not to brag or anything, but I'm a good one. It took me awhile to realize what I was doing was actually escaping, because I wasn't doing anything that would be considered harmful.

I escaped by watching movies and reading books. 

It began after the initial diagnosis of my mom, when I was exhausted of crying. I turned on a movie and got lost in it. There's a romance in getting lost in someone else's story for awhile.

But then I began to get addicted to it. I knew I could run away for two or more hours, that I could hide from the pain that I felt. And even after my mom started to get better, I still hid. I hid from feeling unenough, hid from feeling without purpose, hid from feeling sad. I turned on a movie, or opened a novel and I ran away.

I'll try and stop running away now.

I'll try and confront when I feel sad or lonely or inadequate.

I'll try and fight for myself, like my friend Sarah tells me.

I'll try and love myself even when I don't think I'm worth loving.

I'll try and believe that Jesus thinks I'm valuable and important.

I'll try and stop running away.

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This is day twenty-one. You can find the rest of this series right here.

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day twenty: fighting for myself

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Today I am welcoming one of my favourite friends to the blog. Meet Sarah Roessner -- a girl with a beautiful heart and a captivating spirit, who has taught me more than I can tell you and has been there for me more times than I can count. Sarah's twenty-three, exceptionally good at cooking and choosing the best restaurants, a self admitted food network junkie and the best listener you'll ever know. She loves Jesus and people. And she believes in hope. I'm honoured and thrilled to welcome her here today!

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by Sarah Roessner 

 
 “You don’t stop fighting just because you are losing.”
Jeanette Walls, The Silver Star

 

People will tell you to fight. People will say it’s hard. People will rarely speak of losing your battles.

Everyday I attempt to feel like I am “enough”. Most days I fail miserably. I sink into this cloud of depravity and self hate. I convince myself no one could possibly love or value me. I sink into that comfortable pain, and I let it linger. I let it stay.

I wrote a short poem about a month ago about the pain I feel and it is entitled, "How I Deal".

 

“I can only draw you a crudely sketched map of the scars that cover my heart. Sometimes they lay on the surface and promise not to hurt me. They promised. So I let them lie. I let them stay. I let them seep. I let them consume me. They become too powerful and that pain seems to drain every inch of self worth I claim to have. It’s absorbing into me. Like the waters in an unsettling storms, the waves of deep anger seem to crash over me. They promised not to hurt me. They promised. I lay here exhausted from pain, exhausted from myself. Exhausted from the battles I have to fight every night. They promised.”

 

An allusive trap I get lured into everyday is that I believe what others say about me. I believe what they say is true. Which some would say (those who know me) “Oh that’s great, you’re good at so much..." Which in theory is true.

I can build an empire out of what people think of me.

Words can also devour that kingdom, and bring me to my knees. I have been told I am not smart. I have been told that I am not pretty, that I am weird, that I am less because I am a girl, that I am angry, that I am nothing.

These words can dictate me on a day to day basis. Some of these words I tell myself because that’s what I see. I hate it, but I allow it to take the wheel.

But some days I choose to fight back. On those days I can truly grasp that God created me to be significant in this world, that I am beautiful, that I am smart, that I am capable, that I am a leader, that I am enough. Those days are so blissful and sweet. I want to cradle them forever.

Don’t stop fighting because you’re losing.

I lose about 70 percent of the time; however that doesn’t mean I stop fighting.

I am able to keep fighting because I have a constant reminder of Christ’s blood that poured out because he KNEW I was worth it, He KNEW I was valuable, He KNEW I was good enough. I am able to do this because of my friends, my family, and my boyfriend who constantly remind me of the truths about my identity. I am able because God has blessed me with the ability to be apart of Hashtag Hope Ministries that allows me to tell others of their true and constant value.

There’s a point to all of this and it's to learn to love you.

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This is day twenty. You can find the rest of this series right here.

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day nineteen: who you are is enough

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“I exist as I am, that is enough,If no other in the world be aware I sit content, And if each and all be aware I sit content. One world is aware, and by the far the largest to me, and that is myself, And whether I come to my own today or in ten thousand or ten million years, I can cheerfully take it now, or with equal cheerfulness, I can wait.”

Walt Whitman

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This is day nineteen. You can find the rest of this series right here.

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day eighteen: you are enough (a free printable)

youareenoughprintableblackandwhiteI thought maybe if I painted the word "enough" as many times as possible, I might remember. And maybe you might, too. You. are. enough.

Print it out and over again and remember these words: enough enough enough enough enough.

[download id="2427"]

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This is day eighteen. You can find the rest of this series right here.

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day seventeen: may we celebrate you

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On this Friday -- the end of the week, the middle of the season, the hopeful beginning of something new growing inside you -- may you rest in the essence of who you are. Not perfect.

Not flawless.

But enough. Adequately inadequate.

May today you draw out the courage that lives within your heart, the bravery that lies deep within your bones, the dreams that have been thread within the lining of your soul. May the truth of the whisper you are made for this sing gently against your lungs.

And on this Friday may we celebrate you for exactly who you are.

What a celebration, indeed.

photo source

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This is day seventeen. You can find the rest of this series right here.

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day sixteen: the adequate inadequate

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I do most of my praying at night. I've self diagnosed myself with ADHD -- which I know isn't actually true as I can sit and read one book for eight hours straight -- but I don't generally have a very long attention span. I also think a lot. Or maybe my thinking would be better described as daydreaming, which is not a particularly large difference in my opinion.

But at night when I'm gathered beneath a blanket of darkness, I'm less likely to get distracted. Well, slightly less distracted anyways.

I can remember night upon night when I was praying in that bed -- praying, crying, begging God for something I wanted. Time and time again my hopes were dashed. I woke up disappointed. Angry. Sad. Often the things I wanted were replaced by something only God could have ordained. For some reason I forget about those things. I forget about the good stuff. But I vividly remember all the things I didn't receive.

Probably because I'm selfish.

When I woke up miserable and dejected, I felt like God had let me down. I chided myself and whispered that God doesn't let people down. God knows what's best. 

Somehow in my brain, all of this equaled that I wasn't enough for God. It equaled that I had failed. That I didn't quite measure up.

I could list you example after example of things I begged for but didn't happen: pleading with Jesus to give me a best friend who would never be mean, to grant me my favourite part in the school play, to not let her have to go through chemotherapy. Lots in between those, too.

I thought I was inadequate because those prayers felt seemingly unanswered.

I thought I was too inadequate for God. Too much of a disappointment. Too much of an embarrassment. Too much of so much more. Too much and yet not enough all at the same time.

But we're on day sixteen of choosing enough, aren't we?

Perhaps I'll never be the best writer, or the prettiest girl, or the smartest cookie. Perhaps there will always be moments and hours where my un-enoughness is overwhelming in all of the worst ways. And perhaps there has come a day -- this day -- where my inadequacy is a reminder of something greater. 

The reminder that there is a God bigger than me. Bigger than all of this.

And I am small.

I'm adequately inadequate. ‹‹ click to tweet

I'm not the best.

I'm not in charge of answering prayers.

I'm not in charge of a checklist of enoughness before I come to God.

I'm not in charge of anything, actually.

But I'm enough -- even in the midst of all of this inadequacy.

And that's enough for Jesus.

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This is day sixteen. You can find the rest of this series right here.

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day fifteen: the wednesday collection

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Okay. I admit it.

I was tired today.

For anyone who knows me, you know I don't do well when I'm tired. Or hungry. (The reason: I become hangry. A scary, scary thing.) So I went back to three posts that have always resonated deep within me. I think you may feel the same. These are some of my favourite people and writers and people.

This Is Your Courage, Fully Released // Emily Freeman

Make a mess, be a sloppy first draft, scribble in the margin. But don’t turn in someone else’s work. We just want you, fully alive as you. We want the person of Jesus relating with us through the filter of your unique personality. 

We Are Human // Shannan Martin (Flower Patch Farmgirl)

Don't ever apologize that you don't read enough, you aren't consistent or scheduled enough, your vocabulary isn't big enough, your clothes aren't stylish enough, your home isn't clean or pretty enough, or that you always burn the stew. What you are is brave and needy and scared and wild.

When You're Tired of Wearing Masks // Jennifer Dukes Lee

God knows that about me. So—in His relentless grace—He continues to repeat one message into my insecurity-prone heart: “I didn’t ask you to be her. I asked you to be you.”

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This is day fifteen. You can find the rest of this series right here.

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day fourteen: a letter to my body

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If you're busy today, feeling rushed and hurried and un-enough, let me read you this love letter. And maybe after this, you'll carve out a little time and write one to yourself. (Let me tell you: it's not easy. I'm slightly weirded out to even post this, but yes indeed it will be worth it.) Email subscribers, you might need to click over to listen.

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[audio m4a="http://alizanaomi.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/A-Letter-To-My-Body-1.m4a"][/audio]

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Dear Body,

I have spent a good portion of my twenty years disliking you.

I admit: I've been cruel. I've yelled at you, yanked at you, cursed you and wished you were irrevocably different. I've looked longingly at other bodies and then peered down distastefully at you.

But that's changing now. And here, right now, perhaps this is where it begins. Let me whisper what I like about you, soft and quiet, and maybe my heart and head will catch up with one another and finally believe it. So, hello my body. Hello. I like you.

Do you hear me? I like you.

I like you toes, painted dark black and you look so good showing yourselves off in sandals. And I like you feet. You carried me to Africa and back. I liked the red dust that covered every speck of you, and the dull ache in my heel that reminded me of how long it took the children to gather their water. I like you for the feeling of early morning grass and soft sand and bare toes on a hardwood floor.

Hello to my knees, you crooked achy things, but you got me excused from grade nine gym class a few times, and that was never a bad thing. And to my legs and thigh gap-less thighs, I like you. I'm not scared to wear shorts or dresses or swimsuit bottoms.

I like how you hips hold a dime-sized brown mole on the left side, adjacent to the belly button, right square on the bone.

You stomach and you chest -- thank you for filling with deep intoxicating breath. You tell me that I am alive, you tell me that I am living. I like you, lungs. You remind me that I have purpose.

Do you remember when you broke, collarbone? I was ten and you broke clean. You're healthy and mended now, and you and my neck do a fine job with displaying my favourite jewelry.

You eyebrows lift high in scepticism, but I love your shape. You small nose, the same as my father and my grandmother, you remind me of who I come from. Remind me of who I love. You full rounded lips, you can wear red lip stick and seem sassy and spirited. You can speak things quickly without realization, but you're learning to be slower, more thoughtful. You curve gently over a steaming mug of coffee, and you smile large, so large, so very, very large.

And to you, cat-shaped eyes never sure of if you're green or blue, you allow me so many opportunities to see the most beautiful kinds of things. You eyelashes curl while overlooking the Rwandan hills, the never ending ocean, the majestic star encapsulated sky.

You brain, you mind, you thoughts that run rampant sometimes what feels like all night long, you allow me opinions and ideas and fathomless possibilities.

And you hands, you lovely hands. You're my favourite thing if I had to choose. You feel the nib of a pen, the stroke of a brush, and you can create words and phrases and letters and art. You grasp, you hold, you touch. You have the entire world right there at those fingertips.

No matter what I whisper, Body, know this: you are enough, here, right as you are. No matter how I feel or what I think, you are enough.

And, I like you.

May we dance and laugh and twirl and sing, wearing a wild and dazzling kind of joy, our heart pumping courage, our lungs exhaling strength, and may our enoughness be as distinct and as bold as we ourselves long to someday be.

Love forever, me

This post was inspired by Sarah Bessey, whom originally was inspired by SheLovesMagazine.

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This is a challenge for you. I hope you'll take part in it. If you do and you want to share it, feel free to email me or comment your link on this blog. I hope you write love letters to yourself. You are enough, you are enough, you are enough.

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This is day fourteen. You can find the rest of this series right here.

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day thirteen: you are more

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There truly is a possibility of every post somehow finding it's way back to Starbucks (because it's like I LIVE there.) Apologizing in advance. A few weeks back, a lady bought a breakfast sandwich.

I turned to the oven to warm it, because that's considered standard and I'm generally a good girl and do what I'm supposed to. I know, bo-oring.

Anyways, as I'm unwrapping said breakfast sandwich and popping it into the oven and clicking the buttons on to cook it just right, a girl -- young, probably twenty one or so -- yells at me.

"HELLO STARBUCKS BARISTA CAN YOU HEAR ME SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT WARMED UP HELLO STARBUCKS BARISTA"

(All of me wishes I could do a voice over because I think I could imitate that fairly well. Sigh.)

Let me tell you, at this point I was mad. I wasn't feeling well that day so I was already a little irritable.

I turned, slowly, to look at her. My heart was pounding -- and maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal to you -- but I wanted to scream back at her, "I AM MORE THAN A BARISTA!"

(Again. Seriously irritable.) But I didn't, because good girl, remember? Instead I bit my tongue hard, took her order, took her money, and waved a great big adios when she left the store.

I don't love when people yell at me. I'm a pretty big talker and think I'm exceptionally feisty, but in reality I don't love yelling nor confrontation.

But her yelling wasn't what bothered me most. What angered me, was the fact that she called me a barista. And I get it, I am one. But in my head, her telling me that meant that was all she thought of me. It felt like she stuck me in this little barista box with zero potential to be anything else. In reality, that was all she thought of me, because for the ten minutes I was in her life, that's what I was to her.

But I wanted to be more.

When I finished my shift that day and came home to mull over the situation I realized something: I am more.

And you are too.

 

    • You are more than what someone labels you as.
    • You are more than your Pinterest board.
    • You are more than the number of followers you have.
    • You are more than your past.
    • You are more than your present.
    • You are more than your occupation, your debt, your diploma.
    • You are more than _________________________________.  (Fill in the blank with exactly what you're struggling with right now: your marriage, your kids, your longing for a relationship, your weight, your disorder, your diagnosis, your addiction, your fear of never being good enough...)

 

Even on those days where you feel like nothing, you are more. And this, this is what Jesus thinks of you:

"You are of great worth in My eyes. You are honoured and I love you." Isaiah 43:4 

And somedays it's just so freaking difficult to remember this. Because we hear the customers yelling at us and all we hear is that we have no potential.

But you are of great worth in My eyes. 

Because we see our thighs that will never bear a gap, our number on that stupid scale, our lunch purged from our lips as we quickly flush the toilet, and all we see is that we're not being seen.

But you are honoured. 

Because the world seems so much bigger and brighter than we are and everyone JUST SEEMS SO ENOUGH and what if our lives don't go the way we want them to?

But I love you. 

You are of great worth in My eyes. You are honoured and I love you.

I'm going to memorize this one. Stamp it on my forehead, tattoo it permanently on my very soul.

We are more.

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This is day thirteen. You can find the rest of this series right here.

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day twelve: not because you did, but because you are

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You are enough.

Not because you did,

or said,

or thought,

or bought,

or became,

or created something special,

but because you always were.

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This is day twelve. You can find the rest of this series right here.

If you like this post, consider getting the rest of this series dropped right into your inbox. You can sign up here. And don't worry, I'll never give your email out to anyone. Ever.  [madmimi id=2]

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